40 Things Buffy Summers is Not Allowed to Do
by In Smithereens
Summary: Though they'd only been in Scotland for a few weeks; Giles, Xander and Willow felt compelled to try and control Buffy's behaviour, so they compiled a list. Rated T for one use of strong language.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Boredom struck so I decided to write this... Takes place between s8 and s7. I'm not so good at writing humour so I tried to think of things I could see buffy doing and her friends taking issue with. Reviews would be nice.  
A not-so-vague Disclaimer: Whedon is God, I'm just playing with his world. I do not own any fandoms mentioned in this list.

Buffy pulled her headphones out of her ears as she walked through her bedroom door. On the floor there was a folded sheet of paper, she opened it and rolled her eyes when she read the title.

40 Things Buffy Summers is not Allowed to Do  
Written by Rupert Giles, with help from Willow Rosenberg, Dawn Summers and Alexander Harris

Take out life insurance policies on the new slayers… even if the new council needs all the money they can get… even if she needs a new pair of boots

Say "owned" after staking a vampire.

Or "he/she lost the game"

Or shout "burn" whenever a new slayer hits something

Claim to be a natural blonde… We've all seen her roots and we are not oblivious to the fact that she changes shades every couple of weeks.

Check Willow's arm for the Dark Mark anytime the red-head gets snippy.

Shout "Avada Kedavra" when attacking a demon… even if it makes the new slayers laugh

Furthermore, teaching them to pun should not take up the hour that should be used for weapons training.

Drive. Anywhere. Even if Dawn's stabbed herself with a crossbow bolt, she would feel much safer if she was with a competent driver.

Start a conversation with Andrew about any cult film or TV show. And no, we don't care how long she spent on the internet researching just to bait Andrew.

Have sex with Angel… For the leather pants wrongness alone

Talk about Spike in front of the new slayers (and Dawn)… the slight drooling is just creepy

Drink coffee. Especially with Xander. Or Willow. Actually, it would be best if all Scoobies avoided coffee altogether.

The fact that a coat has pockets that would fit weapons does not justify buying it with the new council credit card.

Ask Giles how many prostitutes he killed in his 'Ripper days'… what was once funny is now tasteless and does not inspire trust in his authority.

Call anyone with no supernatural roots a muggle

Furthermore, Buffy should not refer to any of one Alexander Harris' sexual partners as 'mugglefuckers', no matter how much it makes her laugh.

Refer to Watchers as 'voyeurs', it's just tasteless

Capitalize on Xander's new-found status as (and I quote from a new slayer) "a major hottie" and sell copies of the key to his bathroom to the new slayers.

Write any messages in blood on the castle walls… Especially if they are a reference to the Harry Potter series… In fact, all talk about the Harry Potter series is banned. Especially any talk about "cute Slytherins".

Go through the new slayers' personal belongings looking for chocolate…. Anything one finds in the new slayer's personal belongings is personal, not something to be bought up in the cafeteria.

Telling new slayers that a bezoar will cure skin problems is not funny, nor is giving them a graphic description of what a bezoar is and where it comes from when they've put them in their mouths.

Humming the score for any Lord of the Rings film is not appropriate during battle. In fact, trying to fight anything while humming a song and trying to hit on the beat is risky and should not be done around the new slayers.

Refer to Rupert Giles as her 'sugar daddy'… even when he's giving her a council credit card… especially in front of impressionable minds.

Say "well that's just your opinion" when told a prophecy

Give the answer "cruising for dates" when asked why she's going to a demon bar. Even if she is cruising for dates. Also, if that's the case, she should not bring her dates home, or walk through the training yard the next morning still drunk and wearing her clothes back-to-front.

No matter how natural it may seem, Buffy Summers must not make kitty noises when playing with Miss Kitty 2nd around the new slayers. What we see as funny, they see as possession.

Play truth or dare with the new slayers. It is not a morale-boosting exercise and is dangerous when combined with superpowers.

Refer to the cafeteria and maintenance staff as house elves… even if some of them are of elf descent.

Tumble over the banisters when walking downstairs, just to make anyone without slayer powers jealous.

Refer to Willow as 'the fire-crotch'… It wasn't funny when Paris Hilton said it and it's not funny when Buffy Summers says it

Teach the new slayers that witches melt when they have water poured over them.

Encourage them to test this with Super Soakers when Willow's around

Even if it could be argued that super soakers filled with holy water would be useful weapons.

Pay vampires to kill Stephanie Meyer… even if everyone secretly wants it to happen.

Tell the new slayers that Twilight "just needs to get some"

Refer to Dracula as "My Homeboy"… Or to Xander as "the Harry to Dracula's Snape" and walk away laughing when nobody gets it.

Working from this point, using the council computer system to read adult-rated slash fanfiction is not appropriate. Especially when in the public computer lab with new slayers reading over your shoulder.

While it's understandable that it's concerning to you, holding the scythe to the throats any of Dawn's dates is inappropriate and you must remember that she is an adult. Though it would be a good idea to casually press a cross to their skin, just to make sure.

Play 'Only The Good Die Young' during training sessions.


	2. Who made Buffy read Harry Potter?

"Avada Kedavra," Buffy yelled as she staked a vampire. The next evening, there was a meeting.  
"Who made Buffy read the Harry Potter books?" She addressed the group of new slayers gathered around the room. They looked at each other guiltily. None of them wanted to tell the slayer's younger sister what had happened, she was scary when she was angry with Buffy. Finally a short brunette shuffled to the front of the group.  
"It was me." She sighed, expecting a telling off. Buffy wasn't exactly traditional with the whole slayage thing, nothing like her old watcher.  
"And what did you learn?" Dawn asked.  
"That I shouldn't do anything without asking you…?" She asked, unsure. The slayer's sister sighed.  
"That you shouldn't give Buffy anything that will excite her." Buffy scowled at this, her friends had taken to talking about her as though she wasn't in the room.  
"Are you really pissed that I read the book series that most of the English- speaking world is obsessed with?"  
"No but Willow doesn't want to over-excite you."

"Over-excite? You're acting as though I'm a little kid that's got into the sugar." Dawn raised her eyebrows and did the heavy- breathing exercises that Willow had taught her. Buffy had been acting like a giddy kid since Sunnydale was destroyed and, although it was funny to watch, it didn't exactly keep the troops safe.  
"I'm just showing them that slaying can be fun." Buffy seemed to read Dawn's mind. "And hey, I'm the big sister here."

"We have Andrew for the pop-culture references, someone needs to be serious with the girls' training."  
"But it's fun!" Buffy protested. "Have you even read the Harry Potter books?" Dawn sighed again, she had been asking for more authority but having a meeting without Xander and Willow was rather difficult.  
"Yes, I read them when I was fourteen, remember?"  
"And you loved them!"  
"I haven't denied that, Buffy." Dawn argued. "But when you're going around making ridiculous comments about the series and playing pranks it's going a little too far."  
"What pranks? What pranks have I been playing?"  
"Notes in pigs blood, at least I hope it was pigs blood, scrawled across the walls… Teaching the newbies to check Willow for the Dark Mark."  
"How do you know that was me? They've all read the books."  
"Yes, but most of them have a level of emotional maturity above that of an eight year old."  
"Ha! I'm mature; I'm so much more mature than you are. And I'll have you know that Amber has the same emotional maturity level as me and knows how to say things in Parseltongue!" Dawn turned to the short brunette stood at the front of the group and raised her eyebrows.  
"Crap." Buffy muttered, she turned around to leave, beckoning for the slayers to follow her. "We're going to patrol again." As she walked out of the hall (which she had nick-named the Great Hall) Xander walked in with his date, an English witch.  
"Mugglefucker." She muttered as she passed them.


	3. Buying 'essentials' and hair dye

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. I'm doing the Andrew cult-tv one next (the problem is, I'm going to have to either research another show or talk about Firefly). I'm not too happy with this chapter, but I wanted to put something up this morning (or afternoon, as it is now).

"But Giles," she elongated the name. "I need new clothes. All of mine are in that crater"

"And you're sure you can't make do?"

"Nope, unless our whole new slaying technique thing comes with nudity." Giles took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He sighed and bought out his wallet. Buffy's eyes widened at the thick fold of bills inside. Her eyes seemed to widen even further when he took out a credit card. He frowned at her expression.

"Please don't destroy the credit rating. Remember, you only need the basics."

"And some hair dye." Dawn supplied. Buffy put her hand up to self-consciously touch her roots.

"Why would I need hair dye?" She said, feigning innocence.

"Give it up Buffy, I grew up with you and your white-trash roots."

"I'm blonde! I just have highlights, that's all."

"Yeah, highlights all over your head." Dawn scoffed. Buffy shot her a dirty look.

"Come on, we need to get the train down to the city. And it's going to take forever… Stupid Scotland." Buffy muttered the last two words. California natives really didn't take well to being forced into a cold, wet, rural country.

A few days later, a strange cry came from Giles' office. The scoobies and the new slayers ran inside the office, each heavily armed. When they saw that Giles was alone, Buffy dropped her weapon.

"What happened?" But the watcher didn't reply, he took a deep breath and handed her a sheath of papers. Buffy's eyes widened as she saw his face was turning purple. She quickly skimmed the pages and replaced them on his desk.

"I told you I needed clothes-" She started, but was cut off by Giles speaking.

"We agreed that you would buy essentials, not exceed the overdraft!"

"They were essentials… Everything was slayage-appropriate."

"So spending a few thousand pounds in a shop called 'Cush' was essential?" He was almost shouting. Silently, the scoobies and slayers slipped out of the room, leaving Buffy to argue with Giles. "And the few thousand in a shoe shop was necessary?"

"But I had to by the jackets in Cush; they had all these pockets and I figured they'd be good for concealing weapons… And I needed boots, we are living in the land of the rain."

"Buffy, the bank called me yesterday to tell me that there had been unusual activity on my account. I thought someone had stolen my cards!"

"Just because you don't buy nice things…" Buffy grumbled. "And that's a council card, I can use it if I want to." Giles realized he wasn't going to get through to her.

"You're going to have to spend the afternoon asking our investors for donations, then. Try to save us from the baliffs."

Buffy pouted but nodded.

"But doesn't my hair look great?" She smiled.


End file.
